Lose Yourself

Look, if you had one shot, or one opportunity
to seize everything you ever wanted - One moment
Would you capture it or just let it slip? [Eminem, Lose Yourself, 2002]

Believe it or not, this song (clean version) is the first track on the workout playlist on my iPod. I probably don't seem like the typical Eminem fan... overweight, farsighted, 46 year old woman... and I guess I'm not really a fan of pottymouth rapper boy BUT this song never fails to morph me into a workout maniac no matter how crappy I feel when I get to the gym. I mean, if the song is true and the movie that this song is from (8-mile which I did not see) documents the truth of his journey from mobile home park to stardom, then I guess he has something that I'd like for myself... guts, courage, persistence, dedication, motivation, fight, perseverence.

But for now, I'm going to take a couple of ibuprofen and curl up with a good heating pad.

On burning one's journals

This morning on the bus on my way to work I mused about writing, as I often do, and I was suddenly struck with a memory of the night, about five years ago, that I burned (shredded actually) every single diary and journal I had written in my youth. (!!!!) This does seem a bit shocking in retrospect, especially because what I was musing about on the bus was a question of whether I might, at some point in my future, write my memoir or at least a semi-autobiographical work of fiction at which time I would find myself regretting having shredded my personal written history. I asked myself, "Will I remember what I need to remember if I ever need to remember it?" To which I immediately answered, "Probably not and thank the dear Lord for that!"

I recall the journal-shredding evening quite clearly. It wasn't pretty. I remember being very, very depressed. Over what I don't recall but it must have had something to do with or been somehow related to my past. I pulled out the lockbox that contained all those diaries and journals, sat down on the floor, and read them, page by page, book by book. I remember loathing - no that's not too strong a word for it - the person who wrote all those words. How it drove me crazy to read that every single boy I met made me act stupid (writing my first name with his last name) and every argument with my parents made me feel helpless (I could never win). The shame and embarrassment of being a member of Weight Watchers at the age of 13 - back when I still had hope that one day I'd be thin. The pain and heartache of girlfriends who invited everyone but me.

As I progressed through the journals the immaturity left but the painful memories didn't. Heartbreak, arguments, weight problems, dysfuntional relationships, they were all there in my somewhat more matured life, and I still couldn't stand the person that wrote about them. Furthermore, every mistake, every embarrassment, every sin, was there on those pages for anyone to read if they ever got into that lockbox. That was certainly not anything I wanted my children to see someday! Oh dear what a frightening thought.

No, I don't regret shredding all that history. The way I see it, if I ever do write my memoirs or even a semi-autobiographical work of fiction, and they actually do get published, I plan to take some literary license and make them sound a whole lot better than they actually were!

a favorite thing

Not really that into raindrops on roses or whiskers on kittens or bright copper kettles, though I know for certain I have enjoyed my warm woolen mittens here in Wisconsin.

Thanksgiving may possibly be my favorite holiday mainly because of the food but also because of family and friends. Yesterday was no exception. Turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, gravy, sweet potatoes, butter carrots, biscuits, cranberry sauce. Husband, Daughters, Sons, Grandbabies, Friends... my literal and figurative plate was full yesterday. And if that wasn't enough, Abby and Bella stayed overnight and we spent the morning playing. At one point Bella decided she wanted to be held for awhile and then I remembered one of my absolutely favorite things... a baby falling asleep in my arms. Ahhhhh... thank you Lord for moments like this.

Just one more...

While sitting in the lobby at Pizza Hut one night...

ME: "Oh Abby, it's getting cold in here. Are you cold honey? There's a draft coming in the door."
ABBY (turning quickly to look at the door): "Oma, there's no giraffe coming in the door!"

Thankful

Summer... poof! Autumn... poof! Where does the time go? In 28 hours it will be Thanksgiving Day. I would like to share-in no particular order-the things for which I am and have been giving thanks to God.

My health. Bella's health after a rough start. Aaron's health. My Mom's new knees. Numerous sweet and cherished moments with my grand-daughters. The blessing of a fourth grandbaby "in the oven". My darling husband/best friend. A new job (at the same company) that challenges the daylights out of me. My Pastor and my church family. All of my children... birthed, step and in-law... who are a constant reminder of the reality of Eph3:20 in my life. Girlfriends. Books. Coffee. Laughter. Birds. Music. The fact that none of my needs is unmet.

Burned by Blogger [save]

It's been awhile. Want to know why? [save] I was burned by my blog. Back on July 26th, a day that will live in infamy in the City of Milwaukee, we had a crazy weather day. It rained, and rained, and rained. Thunder, lightning, rain, hail... it was bad. I left the office at 4:5opm and didn't pull into my garage until shortly before midnight. [save]I could not seem to get north of Hampton Avenue no matter which way I tried (and believe me... I tried!). It was frustrating and frightening. It was the strangest experience I think I've ever had in terms of weather. After a day or two of gathering my thoughts, I wrote a lengthy blog and included pictures of my experience that night. [save] It was, if I may say so myself, a masterpiece of literary genius. Okay... it was pretty good. [save] But in the flicker of an internet hiccup it was gone! All that work. All those carefully selected and ordered words... gone! [save] Word to the wise: auto-save on blogger cannot be trusted to [save].

Armageddon?

A set of unbelievable, but true, and surreal events took place in Milwaukee yesterday. I haven't fully recovered mentally and emotionally yet, but wanted to document a bit of how it impacted me before I forget.

It wasn't raining in downtown Milwaukee when I left the office at 5:10pm but within two blocks of exiting the building, on my way to my car, raindrops began falling. I knew it had been raining to the north of the city so I wanted to get home and thought I was leaving early enough to make that happen.

I got on I-43 heading north and shortly upon entering the freeway I heard that I-43 was closed in both direction about 15 miles north. I took the next exit and, knowing the city fairly well, mentally calculated my new route home. I headed east on North Avenue and then north on MLK Drive which I knew would eventually become Port Rd. Alas, just south of Hampton Ave, I encountered an intersection with rushing water; too deep for my little Civic to traverse. At this point the streets were more like parking lots and the rain was coming down in sheets. I decided to find a nearby high spot and wait it out for awhile. Over an hour later, just as the rain was diminishing, the tornado sirens began wailing. I made my way out of the parking space and ventured up the street. The on-ramp for I-43 was directly in front of me with no barricade or police car blocking the entrance - and so I proceeded onto northbound I-43 again.

Eerie doesn't quite capture what it felt like to be the only car on a major freeway at 6pm on a weeknight. I suddenly felt very alone and very scared and completely wrong. Within seconds the radio announcer confirmed that I-43 was closed in both directions and so I realized that I wasn't supposed to be there and I took the very next exit - thankfully only a quarter of a mile away.

"Aha! I can pick up Port Road again," I thought to myself. It took less than three blocks of driving north on Port Road to determine that it was flooded ahead. I turned to go east (the freeway was blocking my path west) and within half a mile I encountered more flooded streets that prevented me from going further. I tried to go north from that point and encountered more flooded streets. I tried to drive west from that point and encountered more flooded streets. And so I resolved to go back the way I came but this time head south on Port Road to Capitol Drive. Surely I could head west on Capitol and then go north from a point around 76th Street.

At 22nd and Capitol, the police had blocked further westbound travel due to flooding so I headed northwest on Atkinson. At approximately 28th and Atkinson, the traffic had come to a standstill due to an accident and flooding ahead. Feeling quite defeated at this point, and with a full bladder in a not-so-great neighborhood, I decided to either return to the office or attempt to get to my mother's apartment. It wasn't long before I found out that Miller Parkway, the road I would need to take to get to Mom's house, was completely under water. To the office I did go. I arrived at 8:50pm.

Remember the movie A League of Their Own? with Geena Davis and Madonna and Rosie O'Donnell? The scene where Tom Hanks takes a leak that lasts like 5 minutes? Nuf said.

So I booted up my laptop at work and reviewed every radar I could find. They all told me the same thing... more rain, heavy rain, was coming. Sure enough, within 15 minutes the skies over the building opened up. The company I work for resides in a 7 story brick building that takes up an entire city block and yet I swear the building was shaking from the thunder and heavy rain that fell on downtown Milwaukee shortly after 9pm. The only light on my floor was coming from my task light and the glow of my laptop. It occurred to me that if the power went out I would be thrown into complete darkness. I mentally mapped out the route from my desk to the stairwell and pictured the four floors down to the security desk that I would have to navigate to find another human being in the building.

Did I mention that I had very little battery power left on my cell phone and no charger with me?

So, after an hour, the radar (and lack of noise outside) indicated that there was a lull in the storm. Having looked at several traffic maps, I learned that I-45 had opened to traffic again - it was closed during my earlier foray. Furthermore, I-94 was open as well! That meant I could leave the office, head west on I-94 and then go north on I-45. I knew I could get home from there - even if it was the long way home.

Lest you think that I was truly alone in all of this, I want to clarify that my husband, a human GPS, was in frequent contact with me through all of this even though he was working. He's a delivery driver for a popular pizza chain and he was out in the rain all night making sure that people who didn't want to risk their own lives got some dinner by risking his life. He actually got stiffed on one delivery - after standing in the rain on a guy's porch waiting for Mr. Customer to figure out where he could find a wallet with cash in it. But I digress... I want to be clear that hubby was on the phone with me the whole time, telling me where to go and how to get there and where not to go and what not to do. That might sound annoying in this retelling of the story but let me assure you that the sound of his voice on the phone kept me sane. It terrified me to think that my phone might die and I would lose my connection with him. It seems silly in retrospect but this was all quite traumatic. He told me later that it was difficult for him to feel the helplessness of not being able to rescue me. I think he loves me.

So at approximately 10pm I called hubby and told him the exact route I would be taking. I estimated that I had about 15 minutes of battery left on my phone and told him I would call to say where I was, briefly, at each change of direction. He was leaving work at that time as well and was determined to meet me on the west side of town so we could "convoy" home the rest of the way. So got to my car and called him. I drove west on I-94 and turned north on I-45 and then called him again. He told me where to meet him and we drove home the rest of the way without incident. The clock in my car glowed 10:53 when I pulled into our garage.

I was concerned about the possibility of flooding at our house but the basement was dry. The northern burbs didn't get as much rain as Milwaukee had.

I thank GOD for protecting me from myself and from the storm. I saw so many stalled cars, and cars that floated out of control. I saw numerous houses surrounded by water and many, many ambulances, but I was, finally, safe at home.

Although I do not list names, I cannot take credit for any of these photographs. They were all reader-submitted photos from JSOnline.com. I was too frantic to think of taking pictures but most of these pictures were from neighborhoods or streets that I had been on while trying to find a way home. They paint a thousand words. You can't fully understand what it was like from my story but the photos sure help fill in the gaps.

I'm just sayin'...

George Steinbrenner, owner of the New York Yankees, died today of a massive heart attack. He was 80 years old. Love him or hate him, there's no denying that he built a baseball dynasty in New York that may never be surpassed in terms of consistency, statistics, championships or payroll.

And speaking of payrolls, the Yankees 2010 annual payroll is $206,738,389. Miami Heat is going to pay LeBron James $99,000,000 for a five year commitment. Eli Manning has a six-year $97,500,000 contract with the New York Giants. What if we stopped watching? What if we stopped paying attention and stopped paying for tickets and stopped buying the jerseys, hats and bumper stickers. How many modest houses with windows and doors and roofs that don't leak do you think we could build with $200 million? How many homeless people could we shelter? How many people could get medical and dental care? How many children could attend school? How many teachers could we afford to pay to teach those children?

What if we stopped paying so much money to be entertained by grown men throwing, catching, kicking, dribbling, carrying or dunking balls and used it to love our neighbor instead?

I'm just sayin'.

Independence Day

Some things I'm grateful for (in no particular order):

1. Article 1 of the Bill of Rights in the U.S. Constitution - "Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances."
2. Water - something I take for granted most of the time but recognizing that some States in the U.S. and many countries in the world have a shortage of it, I am grateful.
3. A strong U.S. military and the brave men and women all over the world who defend this great nation and the principles on which it was founded and still stands today.
4. The availability of quality medical care in the U.S.
5. That I am a citizen of the United States of America.

I need to go to a happy place

viburnum koreanspice


Anxiety sucks. It's the bane of my existence. The worst is when I wake up with it, like today, and wish I could crawl in a hole until it passes. Unfortunately I have a job to do today so I have to suck it up and keep moving forward. For now I guess I'll just have to think about a happy place.

I took this picture at the Red Butte Garden & Aboretum near Salt Lake City this May. The viburnum were just beginning to bloom and they smelled heavenly. You could follow your nose through the entire path and locate every one of them. The gardens were gorgeous and we were in the company of Joanna and Shoop so we were happy and peaceful. Happy place!

Morning coffee and Proverbs 18:6

I must start my day with coffee. Sometimes I feel guilty about that but the feeling doesn't last long. Most any coffee will do - I'm not a coffee snob - I rarely go to Starbucks or Caribou or Alterra (less than a dozen times in a year anyway). The only coffee I can truly say I don't like is McDonald's coffee, which is funny because that's my hubby's favorite. I think MickeyD's coffee is one of those things like black licorice... you either hate it or love it. I hate black licorice and I hate McDonald's coffee so that's how I figure it works.

I drink my coffee with God most mornings. What I mean is that the pot of coffee is on a timer and it brews before my alarm goes off. When I shuffle to the kitchen, it's waiting for me. I pour myself a steaming hot cup, add creamer and some Splenda, and then wander off to my prayer closet (the blue room) to spend time alone with God. Maybe that's the true reason I like coffee so much - I associate it with something pleasureable. I once heard that part of the addiction to cigarettes is the connection we make emotionally because we think they calm us down. When I was a smoker (shocking!?) I would get up from my desk, walk outside, light up, and inhale deeply and slowly. Duh! Of course it calmed me down! I should do that now but without the cigarette (I quit about 20 years ago)... leave my desk, go outside and take deep, slow breaths for about 15 minutes... I think it would calm me... possibly. But I digress... my point is that I spend time with God while a steaming cup of morning coffee is on the table and it's a habit I would find hard to break.

So this morning I encountered Proverbs 18:6 which reads, "A fool's lips bring him strife, and his mouth invites a beating." I had to read it twice. At first I laughed and then I thought about the truth contained therein. I thought about how many times, as a child, I mouthed off to my Mom and got a good slap or spanking. I thought about the times I witnessed the same cause & effect when my cousins mouthed off to my Aunt or Uncle. I thought about the times my daughter tested my patience in that way and I let her know she crossed a line. There was a fine line between respect and fear and sometimes no line between them at all. I recall being respectful because I was fearful of the outcome if I wasn't. I worry about our world today because that concept has all but disappeared. I've observed kids being disrespectful to their parents, downright brats, with no consequences. The next step is lack of respect for elders, teachers, bosses, and a whole host of other people that I wouldn't have dreamed of disrespecting as a child. I learned to be respectful, even fearful, because of the times that my mouth invited, and received, a beating.

Thought to ponder... if we don't learn to respect, and even fear, the authority figures in our lives - whom we CAN see - is it any surprise that we lack respect for, and fear of, a Holy Creator whom we CANNOT see? I pray that I would never again test the patience of my LORD.

Oh great...

... another activity that compels me to sit at a computer for hours on end. Like I need more sitting activities in my life! ;-)

BLOG-TASTIC!!!

I finally have a blog! May I say with ultimate geekiness that I am pumped about this and so looking forward to making a fool of myself due to a lack of technical know-how where blogging is concerned. Sometimes, however, you just have to get started and let the details work out as you go. This is one of those times. Welcome to my amateur blog.